Roots of Empathy by Mary Gordon

Author:Mary Gordon
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: The Experiment
Published: 2009-04-06T04:00:00+00:00

9

AUTHENTIC COMMUNICATION: SPEAKING FROM THE HEART

Child-led Conversations

IN THE WORK I DO training professionals involved in the field of parenting and family literacy, or child care, I use this “Baby Glances” picture and a number of other pictures from my series “Picture Talks” to illustrate authentic communication. The picture is used as a springboard for dialogue between the adult—be it parent, caregiver, or teacher—and the preschooler, in which the child’s imagination directs where the conversation will go. There are no right or wrong answers, and the adult’s contributions to the dialogue serve to validate and encourage the child’s observations. There are no phony attempts to get the child to answer a question to which the adult obviously already has the answer. In the example I have given, I suggest that the adult might prompt discussion by saying:

• Tell me about this picture.

• How do you think the baby feels?

• If the baby could talk, what do you think she would say?

• What would you say to the baby?

This approach allows the child to take the lead and direct the conversation to what appeals to him. Through the invitation to the child to talk about the picture, the adult gains insight into the child’s perspective, building the adult’s empathy for the child and forging a closer connection in the communication circle. I encourage the adult to share in the conversation as well, by revealing the thoughts, ideas, and memories the picture inspires for her. This enhances the authenticity of the communication as the genuine thoughts and ideas of the adult are shared in a mutual, playful, respectful way with the child. The discussion leads to the adult and child learning as much about each other as about the topic inspired by the picture.

The way the family communicates not only determines how a child develops literacy but also gives the child their view of the world. Parents connect the dots for their children; because they know the child’s prior experience, they can build on what is already meaningful for the child, giving sense to the language used. This works and enriches learning in ways that isolated instruction never can. When a parent says, “The lady on the bus has white hair like Grandma,” this conjures up real pictures for the child and the connections are real. Relationships teach the child.

Why is this important? Children develop social and emotional competence through the quality of the relationships they first develop with parents and those closest to them. What we say to them is important, but more crucial still is how we say it and what we are conveying about our respect for them as individuals. Brazelton and Greenspan express it well: “Empathy is taught not by telling children to be nice to others or to try to understand others, but by parents’ having the patience to listen to children and children’s feeling understood. Once they understand what empathy feels like, they can create it in their relationships.”1

In the model of authentic communication I advocate, where

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